I Had a Moment Today

I had a moment today. It was one of those this-day-stinks-spinning-out-of-control moments.

• A financial reality hit (I’m the self employed sole provider of my own income and don’t have drug coverage – my Crohns is in a major flareup and the medication is $1700+ per month)
• I missed a deadline (ok, it was a soft, self-imposed deadline but still frustrating nonetheless)
• I had to go the basement (doesn’t sound like a big deal but with my permanent injuries and health conditions, it actually is) to do laundry and change the litterboxes and I tripped and fell most of the way down the stairs, I’m pretty sure I’ve reinjured the bone tumour in my knee. Oh and I landed in one of the litterboxes.
• Once I got to the laundry room, I couldn’t find my favourite gray skirt. I need that skirt for a press trip later this week and was sure it must be in the laundry room. Nope. So I hobbled back upstairs and searched again. Still didn’t find it. Seriously, I don’t own that many clothes (I’m one of those bloggers who lives my life at my computer in pajamas!) and I NEED that skirt. After three more hobbles up and down the stairs, I finally found the skirt, Hanging in my closet. Yeah. Oh and by then, my knee was swollen to twice its usual size.
• This blog post (having made a commitment to blog daily this month) was looming over my head and I couldn’t think of ANYTHING to write.
• I looked at my blog stats. Oh dear God, what made me think it was a good idea to look at my blog stats when I was already “in a mood”? I started considering ditching blogging completely.
• I decided to treat (console) myself to a large (I mean large as in holds an entire can of Coke AND half an ice cube tray of ice) Coke and promptly dropped it, breaking my favourite Tervis cup and spilling sticky sticky Coke everywhere before I even got the chance to take a sip. It was the last Coke in the house and the last of the ice cubes. Yeah I know – compared to the other things on the list, it doesn’t sound like much but this is actually the moment that set off the tears.

I laid on my bed for about half an hour and had a really really good cry. I mean, I was sobbing – you know, the way kids do when they get themselves really worked up? So worked up that they can’t catch their breath and they sound like they’re so badly injured that they need to go to the ER when in actual fact it’s usually over something as simple as having to wear the wrong set of Spider-man pajamas because their favourite ones are in the wash? That was me. I think even the dog, who usually comes in and tries to kiss people’s tears away, was afraid. All the while I’m wailing, my brain is running through the events of the day with my inner monologue going something like this, “There there. It’s not your fault. The world has conspired against you. It’s out to get you and you’re just an innocent victim. You poor thing. It’s no wonder you feel sorry for yourself.”

That played on repeat through my brain several times before suddenly, the more rational part of my brain said, “Wait….what? Feel sorry for myself? No no I’m not feeling sorry for myself! These are justified emotions, damn it! I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m…..I’m…..I’m……DAMN! I’m feeling sorry for myself!” I allowed myself a couple more sniffles and then willed the crying to stop. I blew my nose, wiped the tears away and decided it was time to take action. I turned on my “happy music playlist” on Youtube, made myself a cup of Tim Horton’s steeped tea, and called for the dog. She jumped up onto my bed and I pulled her to my lap. She’s an 85 lb German Shepherd but she still makes a darn good lap dog. I sat, listening to the music, sipping my tea, and petting the dog for at least an hour. Part of me wanted to pull out paper and pen and start brainstorming solutions to some of the issues I had encountered earlier in the day but I resisted. That can wait for tomorrow.  I had a moment and then I gave myself a moment. I’ll deal with reality tomorrow.